RELATIONSHIPS: BEFORE YOU BEGIN...

The inspiration for this post stemmed from a conversation I had with some of my girls regarding our 'list' -yep, most women have one- a.k.a. all the ingredients that would make up our perfect guy.
I spent most of the conversation listening and observing others, and I was fascinated by all the differences in opinions,  and the priorities and attributes different women focused on the most. 


The majority of what I heard was something along the lines of:

1. He needs to be a christian and go to church
2. He needs to have a job
3. He needs to earn minimum £28,000 a year
4. He needs to be a similar culture to me so we can eat the same things and he'll get along with my family
5. He needs to be at least 5 ft 11- 6 ft 3
6. I don't want a crazy mother in law
7. He needs to have a car
8. He better be hitting the gym and he can't be missing 'leg day'
9. He has to have a gorgeous smile
10. We need to be morally compatible.

Now don't get me wrong, some of these points are valid, and in some cases necessary, but to me, not all these attributes sound like they were suggested by someone who has really thought about and understood the long term purpose and skills required for a successful marriage. 


From spending time in prayer, reading my bible, books (i'll recommend some at the end), speaking to my mum, christian couples and mentors that inspire me, I began to formulate a much deeper understanding on relationships, which I shared with my friends, and I explained why my list would consist of some slightly different things.

One thing to mention is that there is nothing wrong with having preferences- in fact they are important. God gives them to us for a reason. Without them we would have no standards and would settle for anything and everything that came our way. 

Im not going to give an entire breakdown of the man I believe God has for me 
specifically (that's between me and God for now =] ) However, I do want to share some of the factors I think we should consider as woman before entering a relationship...

1. Not My Will but Yours Be Done. 

Lets not forget that as much as we have all these preferences, ideas and 'relationship goals', ultimately God knows AND has what is Best for us. God didn't make us as empty vessels but as women with purpose and with a vision. Therefore the man He has for you who should also have a purpose and a vision, should be in alignment with that. But, that will only happen if you stay in alignment with Gods will.


2. His love for me will be a reflection of his love for Christ and will be demonstrated in the way he treats me. He should love Christ more than he loves Me. 
He can only have my heart once Christ has captured his.
I highly recommend reading Ephesians 5 and really meditating on it. 
If you are looking at Instagram or celebrities that jump in and out of relationships as often as they change their clothes as your aspiration, then your priorities are definitely in the wrong place. Just like Ephesians 5:17 says 'do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.' You can never truly say you love your spouse if you do not truly understand what that actually consists of. The more you educate yourself the more your 'list' will become more and more specific and catered to the purpose you know God has for you and what that will mean for your marriage. Gaining more wisdom and experience in Gods love will also make it much easier to discern what is definitely not for you so you don't waste your time or somebody else's. Being in a relationship with someone who it truly committed to God will 1000% affect that they commit to you.



3. His actions should be confirmation of his words. 

-Ashley Bradley

Being in a relationship with someone who is committed to the Lord, will affect the way that they commit to you.
If he tells you he has a thorough understanding of what God instructs as the role of a husband, don't just take that his word it. A real man who wants to pursue you will have no problem proving it. He will take pride in being loyal, honest, hardworking, taking you out, 'wooing' you and being faithful to you and to God. Do not be blinded or get caught up in the sweet serenades of 'I love you' or 'You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen' or 'I'm going to buy a house in a months time'. Actually listen to the words the guy is saying to you. Studying character is extremely important. Do not think you fully know someone based on first impressions alone. Observe how he acts when his boys are around. What kind of relationship does he have with his parents? How does he behave when he is angry? How does he behave when he is sad? Is he wise with his money? Does he actually have an active daily relationship with God or does he just go to church? How does he deal with your arguments or issues? Do his actions match his words or disprove them?

4. You should feel Christ's covering and peace in your relationship.
Take my advice- NEVER ignore the voice of God!  I remember being in a position where I was getting annoyed at God for not allowing me to feel the peace that I knew I was supposed to feel. But if I am honest with myself, deep down I knew I was not being treated the way God wanted me to be treated and I knew that His plan for my life was greater. And once I truly listened and acted on His voice I felt at true peace.

Whenever you feel or hear that still small voice or yelling scream urging you to get out of a situation, listen to it. I promise you nobody in the world can ever love you the way God loves you, so if He's telling you to close a door its because he's already prepared the one you are supposed to open and could be saving you from heartache and disaster! Being unequally yoked in any way is not fun!
Part of knowing you are with 'The One' includes experiencing that 'peace that surpassess all understanding' (Phillipians 4:17). You want to be able to walk down the isle with the biggest sense of joy and without a shadow of doubt that this is the man God had intended for you.


5.Physical attraction counts too.

There are 7 billion people in this world, so there are undoubtedly plenty of good looking or just genuinely nice guys out there that you may see as 'potentials'.
However, do not make the mistake of assuming that just because a guy is Christian, automatically he must be 'the one'. From my own experience being single, I went through a stage where quite a few Christian guys approached me with 'interest' (the non-christian ones are not even worth mentioning at this stage) and in some cases, though a nice guy, there was no physical attraction and I'd find myself asking God 'is it bad that I don't like person X in that way, because they seem to really love you and I'm sure they would treat me well?'. But if I liked every single guy that was christian I would be spoilt for choice!
God reminded me about my purpose, and that as much as my faith would be the solid rock my marriage would stand on, there are specific qualities that extend beyond that.  There are skills, gifts, a vision etc that he has placed in my future husband specifically, due to our individual and collective purpose, which will include factors such as physical attraction so I shouldn't just block that part out. Needless to say, Looks do fade. Grey hairs, not so perky boobs, weight changes are all part of life. Though it shouldnt be the main or only reason for being with someone, God wants us to enjoy looking at that man for the rest of our life so settling for what we don't want, means we're setting ourselves up to live constantly desiring something more, which brings me to my next point..


6. Do not settle for less than what you know God wants for you.

Photocredit: www.letstalkaboutwork.tv

For all the ladies that have ever contemplated settling for a guy just because he's Christian but you feel no physical connection or chemistry and do not have the peace of God in your decision, I kindly ask you to wake up and rebuke that thought immediately!

A friend of mine told me the other day that she feels like 'finding the right guy is long' (translation: difficult/too much effort). When I asked her why, she said she feels like all the guys she finds somewhat attractive have the most horrendous attitudes and lifestyles and though she has met a lot of christian guys, she hasn't found one she is attracted to yet so she feels like its not possible to meet a 'hot' guy who isn't an arrogant player. I couldn't laugh or give her one super deep inspirational answer because to be honest, I used to think the same way. But I told her what God taught me- that women usually say that either due to being mistreated in the past by someone who didn't love her like God does, or simply because of a lack of faith. God reminded me that when He said 'seek first the Kingdom and ALL other things shall be added' He meant what He said! You will never know what the real love feels like if you keep compromising your worth.

Anytime we assume we cannot achieve or attain the best in life, it is a reflection of how we view the power of God and His plan for our lives. 

 purchase HERE

7. The wedding is just ONE day, the marriage is a LIFETIME. 

photocredit: happywivesclub.com

With the increasing boom in engagements and weddings, it is very easy to get sucked into the hype. People can easily become so consumed by what colour we want our bridesmaids to wear or deciding whether to come in on a horse drawn carriage or a rolls royce, that we spend much less time focusing on the part that actually counts-the marriage.
And of course, by all means our wedding days should and will be amazing, but that should not be the focal point or main reason for saying yes and rocking the ring.
If you're making a list of your perfect man due to the fact that you just want the 6ft guy with the blue eyes that will look fresh in that white tux and make all your girls envious, but you know you haven't taken any time to consider the skills and factors that make up a great marriage, then your priorities are in the wrong place. You need to have prayed about, planned and prepared for marital life in whatever way necessary e.g. pre-marriage counseling. Knowing your marriage has a purpose will enable to have a clear vision for your union, but it takes two. Your husband should also have a vision beyond the wedding day. If your partner has no idea what they are supposed to be doing with their life, what exactly do you think they are going to do with yours?

8. Invest in You.

Photocredit: @Gentlemenhood Instagram

Don't just sit there for hours at a time daydreaming about going on a date or getting proposed to.
(#RelationshipGoals #MCM#WCW)
Use this season of singleness to get your morals and thoughts in check. 
There is no point looking for love if you are not emotionally or spiritually ready for it.

''Get yourself ready because when God brings you the right person you have to be ready to receive them. But if you're already not feeling great about who you are, no person is going to be able to fill you up''
- Devon Franklin


Women generally put a lot of thought into what their man needs to look like or what he needs to have, but we forget to evaluate ourselves and consider what we need to work on or what we will need to bring to the table in a relationship. 

You need to ask yourself:

- What do God and my husband require of me as a wife? 
- Do I have an idea of Gods vision for my life? 
- What is my purpose? 
- What am I doing to get that in motion? 
- Do I have a serious relationship with God that will be sustained even when I'm in a relationship?
- Do I love ME? (if you don't, you're making it easier for someone to disrespect or take advantage of you)
- What do I love about me? 
- Do I carry myself in a way that is even worth pursuing?
- Do I have a clear understanding of the type of relationship I want to have?
- What are my Love Languages and what are his?  find out here
- Have I fully dealt with any issues I may have had in previous relationships?
- What have I learnt from past relationships?
- What am I going to bring to the table? 
- What do I expose my senses to? porn? songs that glorify sex? 
- Who do I associate with?- how many of your friends are in successful kingdom relationships? are they good or inspiring company?
- Do I have a concrete idea of the boundaries I will need to set? 
- What are my issues and struggles? 
- What do I need to improve about myself and am I actively doing so?
- Am I actually ready to keep things all the way 100 with someone and undergo some personal development as a result? 

An example of self investment 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDnoF_O_3Jo

photocredit: facebook.com

video on abstinence: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5GmggASwwA

9. They should encourage and join you in your walk with Christ not steer you away from Him. You can't expect a harvest from something you are not sowing into. 

photo credit: faithisart.wordpress.com

Do not make the mistake of spending so much time praying for a 'bae' that when you finally get one you are so consumed with him and the whole idea of 'being in love' that he becomes your God. Even in a relationship with two steadfast christians, without consistent prayer, covering and seeking wisdom, all you are doing is leaving the door open for the enemy to find even the tiniest weakness and use it to destroy the entire relationship. 

It's not just about romantic walks in the sun- if you want to be part of a purpose filled and God ordained unit then you're going to need to be having some of those romantic walks with The Son! 

As cliche as it sounds, in relationships 'teamwork makes the dreamwork!'If both individuals are actively seeking God for themselves and learning how to be better for each other, the relationship is must less likely to fail.

Teamwork includes acknowledging each others weaknesses with love and practically taking steps to overcome them, for example setting boundaries in what you do or where you go before you get married. Another popular phase is 'if you fail to plan, you plan to fail' and I absolutely agree with this. Yes the right relationship should be filled with endless amounts of fun and beautiful memories but it should also be purpose filled. It is a waste of your time to be coasting along playing the 'Let's see how this goes' game when you know deep down you don't feel that peace in your heart that that is the man God has for you, even if he is saved. As a lifelong team you need to be practically planning ahead financially, investing in each others calling as well as your own and making sure you are morally on the same page. 

10. Nobody is perfect.

A lot of people have this perception that you need to be completely flaw free, whole and near enough perfect before you can be in a relationship. But, the reality is, though it  is advisable that you spend time dealing with some of your issues while you are single, some of your flaws won't even become obvious until you're in a relationship.
Confidence is a factor I personally find attractive, but I'm not talking about the guy that's feeling himself and acts like he's God gift to all women. I'm talking about the man thats confident enough to be honest, own his mistakes, be real about his issues, and not be afraid to be the only one to go against the crowd if he feels what they are doing is wrong. 

When you are married, you live under the same roof so its not 2 hour dates with you looking on fleek then going back home to wipe of of your mask to reveal the real you he's never seen before and enter back into your issues. In marriage you've got to keep it all the way real. It is a life long partnership. This is why it is important to be willing to work. Some of the married couples I have spoken to have said that marriage counseling realllllly tested them, and in some cases, it made them realise they hadn't fully dealt with or let go of issues from their past. I do believe factors such as knowing Gods vision for life before you get into a relationship are very important, but don't assume being tight with God makes you perfect. You need to remember when meeting someone, that they may have grown up completely different to you, had different experiences that may have positively or negatively effected them and have different strengths and weaknesses to you. So far as you both committed to each other and to God, be real and willing to address, encourage, learn and grow through these things together. Your partner is not coming to fill the voids in your life-Gods already got that covered. But God has specifically given you both certain skills and qualities that will help bring out the best in each e.g. where you may be weak, he may be strong. Through the process of praying over your current or future relationship, God will reveal to you the things you and/or your partner need to work on so be ready to work!

I hope you found these tips helpful and insightful. And for my single ladies out there meditate on these quotes below and remember you are already whole in Christ!

Photocredit: pinterest.com

 Feel free to drop me a comment or send me a message if you would like any further information or have anything you would like me to discuss.

Nobody's got you like He's Got you

Iz x

Some things you may want to check out:

BOOKS:

There are actually so many books out there on all the stages of Christian relationships but here are just a select few...

purchase here                    purchase here                  purchase here                purchase here

purchase here                                               purchase here

HEATHER AND CORNELIUS LINDSEY

Blogger and Author Heather Lindsey was defintelty a big influence on me accepting the calling to start my blog. Her keep it all the way real approach and incredible wisdom will defintely be a blessing to you!

Heather's Blog
How I Knew My Husband was the one  http://www.heatherllindsey.com/2012/03/how-i-knew-my-husband-was-one.html#.VkKg6WThCfR 

Making Your Relationship Work 101: Gods Way
http://www.heatherllindsey.com/2012/05/making-your-relationship-work-101-gods.html  

What every Marriage needs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P08NNSNl1A0  



Cornelius' Blog
 http://thebookofcornelius.blogspot.co.uk/ 

VICKY AND CAMERON LOGAN

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHukRkXgMfo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxysPSUHmuA

https://www.youtube.com/user/lifewiththelogans

A young and fun christian couple with both a beauty channel and vlog channel who share their journey through marriage and are great example of how much Kingdom Love rocks and never gets old! 

JAMIE AND NIKKI PERKINS

A beautiful couple based in the heart of Melbourne, with individually amazing life stories, they are a wonderful example of marrying your best friend and making the best of anything and everything life throws at you!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=On88TgfQ_h8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVFFCaCOYsA 

SHERETTA AND BRANDON TAYLOR
https://www.youtube.com/user/WorthTheWait518/videos 

Check out their  ''Worth the Wait” series which shares their courtship journey and teaches on how to better shape your idea of Christian courtship and what it looks like when it’s a success.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BkCuY8ulYs